I don't understand why I do this but I do. I'd stay awake till days end for nights still even when my eyelids hang heavy and I could feel the lethargy in my bones. I deprive myself of sleep but whatever for? What am I hoping would visit me at 5am when the sun is almost rising and the next day approaching while I'm still living the same one as yesterday? I re-read old conversations knowing how much it will kill me. On one hand I'd be reading and reminiscing, on the other I know how fabricated the memories are from the truth bc nostalgia always romanticises how things were, making me miss things that I shouldn't, people that I should never. I push people away. I distance myself. So much, so often. A bad defence mechanism shouldn't make you lose that many friends, but when all you've felt for so long was hurt from the ones closest to you, you begin to close yourself off from those who would had been gentle and kind, knowing you are fragile. You don't even give them a chance, because you've convinced yourself that they're all the same. You know they don't intend to hurt, but they will end up doing it anyways, because they're human. Your fear of feeling that same pain and hurt had led you to shutting yourself off from people who know how to handle you with care. You think that if you were to be the one leaving first that you'd be okay, but you're left feeling sad and hurt in the end, all for doing this to yourself.
The only one bringing you sadness is yourself.
Please stop doing this to yourself.
No comments:
Post a Comment