Out of mind

Recently I've been indulging myself in nostalgic memories. I honestly cannot believe how much I've changed over the years. And even when I'm turning 17 this year, it feels so surreal because it feels like I've just turned 14 yesterday. I don't know where all the time in between has gone.

I go through most days in a daze. And soon enough I'll be leaving for college, already regretting everything that I've done and haven't done this year.

Right now I'm not on good terms with majority of the people in my school, mainly because of rumours that has been circling around. "I hate how I am nothing but how they opt to see me. Sometimes, I feel like people forget that I'm human too and that they oversimplify me into a mere label of a stereotype of their own making."

I really wish that I had started vlogging/blogging earlier. I have always blogged since I was 11 but I don't do it very often. I wish I had documented more of my thoughts as I was growing up. Because that pure, innocent state of mind is far too precious, and now that it's gone it can never gotten back. Sometimes when I want to slip back into my old way of thinking, I don't even know how it was anymore.

I am not happy at all right now. I spend too much of my time wishing I was 13 again or if not I spend it thinking of the future and how things could turn out and wishing I was already there. I can never just live in the present.

So what can I do now? It awfully scares me because I absolutely hate everything about myself. I can't change my state of being and I can't change what's making me unhappy. And I don't want to be living like this for the rest of my life.

I don't know what to do right now.

Janelle, you're getting old and you're aging every single day and yet you are just here wasting your time away. Writing out thoughts that will probably never be heard when you could be out there, making memories and just enjoying your teenage years.

They say that time heals wounds, but I feel that my heart just get more bruised as time goes by. It's like you're trying to patch up a heart overflowing of blood due to a heartbreak. It takes so many bandages and stitches just to hold the shattered pieces in place. And one day when you tear out the plasters, you realise that the blood has dried up and your heart is stone cold. Things never really got better. It just seemed like it did for that little while because things were out of the way, but in the end your heart is still in pieces, and you never really stopped bleeding.

I am very well aware that everything I've written so far is very detached and all over the places but that is just how my thoughts are. Maybe one day I'll come back and fix the articulation of this.

thanks for reading,
janelle