To be someone else

I really really hate the direction I've been heading recently. It's as if the years I spent developing myself and learning and growing are almost non-existent and I'm just going backwards as the days go by? Where is the me that always strived for improvement, for growth, for betterment? I truly believe that hurt and pain can either propel you forward or backwards. And I, have taken 50 steps backwards.

Self sabotage

I don't understand why I do this but I do. I'd stay awake till days end for nights still even when my eyelids hang heavy and I could feel the lethargy in my bones. I deprive myself of sleep but whatever for? What am I hoping would visit me at 5am when the sun is almost rising and the next day approaching while I'm still living the same one as yesterday? I re-read old conversations knowing how much it will kill me. On one hand I'd be reading and reminiscing, on the other I know how fabricated the memories are from the truth bc nostalgia always romanticises how things were, making me miss things that I shouldn't, people that I should never. I push people away. I distance myself. So much, so often. A bad defence mechanism shouldn't make you lose that many friends, but when all you've felt for so long was hurt from the ones closest to you, you begin to close yourself off from those who would had been gentle and kind, knowing you are fragile. You don't even give them a chance, because you've convinced yourself that they're all the same. You know they don't intend to hurt, but they will end up doing it anyways, because they're human. Your fear of feeling that same pain and hurt had led you to shutting yourself off from people who know how to handle you with care. You think that if you were to be the one leaving first that you'd be okay, but you're left feeling sad and hurt in the end, all for doing this to yourself.

The only one bringing you sadness is yourself.

Please stop doing this to yourself.

why am i crying

it's like every happy thing will eventually turn into sadness because what makes you happy never stays. but does it have to be this way? is it only going to make me be afraid of being happy in the future? because my happiness never lasts. and everything that once makes me happy will always be taken away.

Things that distract me from God

1. Food
2. The possibility of what if
3. Internet
4. Youtube
5. Affection from another person
6. Romanticism of things that hurt/toxicity

I've been feeling sad, but I only have myself to blame because I was the one who had pushed him away. I distanced myself for various reasons, but one above all else was because I wanted to draw closer to God first before starting anything else. Lynnie told to me eat something sweet because that always cheers her up, so I've been nibbling on mooncake. But I've honestly never met a guy who's been able to make me laugh so much and so genuinely as he does, whom I'm so comfortable around, and only after meeting him for a few months. It's so strange because I've known who he was for years, but had only met him this year, thinking back everything just seems so right. I don't ever say this but in an alternate reality everything could be so different. I just have to trust God on this one. 

I'm finally dedicating words to you. You really do deserve it.

xx,

Jan

23/9/17

Why am I working so hard and fighting so hard for a future that's uncertain?
I keep thinking that if I get there, I'd be happy.
But I forget that happiness isn't guaranteed.
What if it turns out to be just the same as it is now?
I really hope not.