suffocating

fluttering eyelashes
like blinking lights
on off on off
flickering

was it all fun and games

taste her, try her out,

only to throw away the remaining of the free sample

when you realise the aftertaste of her was sour

lingers on your lips

in your mouth

the onset glory in a crooked smile
shuffled hair
those gentle hands;
cigarette smoke
drunken nights
how he could give you
more than you had ever asked for

how I wished I hadn't felt it this sickening
every time you try to stuff your tongue down my throat
but being addicted to the burn
how every breath felt like a relieve
when really I couldn't
breathe at all
suffocating

the pounding of my heart against the ribcage
so hard it felt like it was about to break

18;

Hasn't this always been the age you've been anticipating for years? Where you're finally legal, able to drink, able to drive, able to club, freedom to do as you please. Where is the party? The one you've pictured for years or even to spend it with your friends over a nice meal?

Then why is it that you're sat here questioning what you've done for the past many years? Questioning which friends are real and which ones aren't? Wondering if your presence in anyone's life even means anything to any of them?

Constantly thinking how is it possible for you to lose so many friends. How is it possible to feel this lonely. How is it possible for one to disappear, to fade into the walls, and vanish, so easily.

"I don't want new days; I want all my old ones back"

Always so deeply pained by the scars left by change. It's inevitable, but I can't deny that change is not always for the better, but it could also be for the worse. Maybe it's because the only change I've only known my whole life has resulted in this melancholy I feel deep in my heart?

I so deeply crave something constant, and it's extend in hand of familiarity, stability, comfort. I don't want change.

How selfish is it of me to say this?

To be someone else

I really really hate the direction I've been heading recently. It's as if the years I spent developing myself and learning and growing are almost non-existent and I'm just going backwards as the days go by? Where is the me that always strived for improvement, for growth, for betterment? I truly believe that hurt and pain can either propel you forward or backwards. And I, have taken 50 steps backwards.

Self sabotage

I don't understand why I do this but I do. I'd stay awake till days end for nights still even when my eyelids hang heavy and I could feel the lethargy in my bones. I deprive myself of sleep but whatever for? What am I hoping would visit me at 5am when the sun is almost rising and the next day approaching while I'm still living the same one as yesterday? I re-read old conversations knowing how much it will kill me. On one hand I'd be reading and reminiscing, on the other I know how fabricated the memories are from the truth bc nostalgia always romanticises how things were, making me miss things that I shouldn't, people that I should never. I push people away. I distance myself. So much, so often. A bad defence mechanism shouldn't make you lose that many friends, but when all you've felt for so long was hurt from the ones closest to you, you begin to close yourself off from those who would had been gentle and kind, knowing you are fragile. You don't even give them a chance, because you've convinced yourself that they're all the same. You know they don't intend to hurt, but they will end up doing it anyways, because they're human. Your fear of feeling that same pain and hurt had led you to shutting yourself off from people who know how to handle you with care. You think that if you were to be the one leaving first that you'd be okay, but you're left feeling sad and hurt in the end, all for doing this to yourself.

The only one bringing you sadness is yourself.

Please stop doing this to yourself.

why am i crying

it's like every happy thing will eventually turn into sadness because what makes you happy never stays. but does it have to be this way? is it only going to make me be afraid of being happy in the future? because my happiness never lasts. and everything that once makes me happy will always be taken away.

Things that distract me from God

1. Food
2. The possibility of what if
3. Internet
4. Youtube
5. Affection from another person
6. Romanticism of things that hurt/toxicity

I've been feeling sad, but I only have myself to blame because I was the one who had pushed him away. I distanced myself for various reasons, but one above all else was because I wanted to draw closer to God first before starting anything else. Lynnie told to me eat something sweet because that always cheers her up, so I've been nibbling on mooncake. But I've honestly never met a guy who's been able to make me laugh so much and so genuinely as he does, whom I'm so comfortable around, and only after meeting him for a few months. It's so strange because I've known who he was for years, but had only met him this year, thinking back everything just seems so right. I don't ever say this but in an alternate reality everything could be so different. I just have to trust God on this one. 

I'm finally dedicating words to you. You really do deserve it.

xx,

Jan

23/9/17

Why am I working so hard and fighting so hard for a future that's uncertain?
I keep thinking that if I get there, I'd be happy.
But I forget that happiness isn't guaranteed.
What if it turns out to be just the same as it is now?
I really hope not.

Dormant

Everything's in such a mess right now. How did things get to this point? And how could I let it?

Why is everything so bad now?

I spend every moment these days trying to grasp onto the last memory I had of what having no worries felt like, where my biggest problem was wondering if I'd ever grow taller or if my crush would ever like me back. These days, there's so much more. There's this sour aching feeling in my chest that creeps up on me every once in a while, it pains of loneliness and hurt. And I don't like it. I don't like how things have become or who I've grown to be. A side of me tells myself it's growth, it's learning, it's figuring out who you're supposed to be. Another part of me is telling myself that growing up shouldn't be this hard, it isn't supposed to be filled with ethereal temperamental happiness and scarlet self loathe. It shouldn't be feeling a void inside of you or constantly pulling down your sleeves. Why is it that I feel so down all the time?

"We define love the way we experienced it"

Maybe that's why to me, love is a face full of tears

Love is cruel, heartless
It comes at you when you're at your weakest,
knowing, very well, that you would give in

Love is a game, or at least until someone falls into it
there's no turning back, you're drowning

Constant questioning of why, how, do you

Sleepless nights and broken hearts
Where is your heart, all over the floor
What does it feel like before it was in pieces

Unkept promises and unspoken words,
they wander your mind and overstay,
you never say them.

You give up your life, all to chase this
but you never reach it
you can never grasp it

Imminent feelings you could feel creep up
You think you've gone insane
because you can't eat or sleep properly
you can't do anything without thinking of the person
while they don't think of you at all

You are the losing end of this game
way before it had even started

If that is love, I don't want it.

Maybe that's not love at all.
I hope it isn't.

I haven't written in a while

there's nothing beautiful about
sunken eyes
quivering smiles
shivering fingers
lined arms
so don't you dare tell me
I am beautiful
when that is all I'm made of

nothing more
but brokenness
I am broke
broken
pained

nothing more

I've been ignited too long

Like matches;
I burn out.

"Why are you hurting?"

I don't know.

It just aches all over.

There are days when my heart skips a beat and I feel like I can't breathe.

I don't know why I'm sad, I just am.