genesis 19:26

I miss a time when my sadness was still tangible. When I understood it more. When it was still childlike and innocent, like a Father taking away a toy from a child. When it was still hopeful. 

Now I have to accept that I have ownership over my life. That when the Father asks me to do something, I made that choice to listen or not. That it is my own doings that led me here. My mistakes. 

And with all that, life comes loss. This sadness is no longer hopeful, but more so desperate and dire. There is nothing sadder than grief. Nothing more despair than loss. Things that are lost can never be found. 

I am made of nothing but grief.