genesis 19:26

I miss a time when my sadness was still tangible. When I understood it more. When it was still childlike and innocent, like a Father taking away a toy from a child. When it was still hopeful. 

Now I have to accept that I have ownership over my life. That when the Father asks me to do something, I made that choice to listen or not. That it is my own doings that led me here. My mistakes. 

And with all that, life comes loss. This sadness is no longer hopeful, but more so desperate and dire. There is nothing sadder than grief. Nothing more despair than loss. Things that are lost can never be found. 

I am made of nothing but grief.

oxymoron

 i kind of miss the time of pandemic in 2020

when the halt in life seemed like a breath of relief

when there were parts of myself i have yet to lose

when the loss in my life felt so amplified all i could sense

was the absence i was surrounded with

from the size of my palms to the space

i occupied in the lives of those around me,

everything i am is small.

everything i've ever held in my hands

has always managed to slip out of it.

maybe that's why things larger than my fists

easily overwhelm me and i could never

amount to anything greater than myself.

i'm afraid i will never be able to hold it

 and like how it always has been

every time i had the chance i will lose it

eventually.