8/12/18

I should have been okay by now. I thought that by now I would have a grasp of my life, or at least the tiniest part of it. And yet things are getting more undone as days pass. I lose more of myself, the parts that I was once so sure of. Sometimes I don't want to be myself, and I try so hard to lose those traces of myself, let old me diminish.

The times that I laugh so hard I had a hard time catching my breath were the only times I didn't feel like I was suffocating. That momentarily I could actually try to forget all that had happened. But when the laughter stops reality floods back in. The burden of my memories.

It scares me that the year is ending. Nothing is okay and there are only more uncertainties to come as we welcome the new year. How I want to be able to stop time, yet it's unrelentingness is all that there is. Time will not stop for me, it's either I go with it or get left behind. Sad to say it's the latter.

What a waste

What are the chances we would meet someone who makes us feel at home even after meeting for the first time?

I didn't know why I was sobbing in your arms that day. Perhaps it was the thought that I was going to lose someone who could mean so much to me, or it was the words you said that pierced right through my heart. How could someone see me so clearly, and how could I ever let this person go?

You held me close as I let the pain seep through the corners of my eyes. You said your tears imbued shirt didn't matter, but I knew your warm embrace was only temporary.

The stillness in the air punctuated by the sound of car engines running in a distance. I once thought he was the chance I had missed. Now I know you're the one I had in my palms that I let slip away, whilst being cognisant of how much I was losing.

We're similar in so many ways. Why couldn't our timelines align as well?

J.

the truth

honestly what even is the point of doing anything if it isn't done with God by your side?

July

Things I have taken notice of/realised in the past month or two:

1. sorries and apologies spill from my lips like water from an overflowing sink
2. it was not that I did not believe in the goodness of God, it was more so I did, but I also believed in the wrath of God
3. time is relative  
4. it is so difficult to grasp the reality of something you refuse to believe in
5. i do not owe anyone anything
6. i am no longer who i want to be
7. and that hurts

We're at this point of life where everything is uncertain. I have always believed in the butterfly effect and it is also bc of so that I am such an indecisive person. I've made way too many mistakes in the past and it always kills me when the imminent thought of what if resurfaces. I can't help but to think, if a choice so small could have such big effects, what more a big decision, one that's drastic and life-changing?

A second earlier and you might not have been hit by the drunkard drive. A moment earlier and you might have been able to speak to your late grandmother before she left. A few checkups earlier and you might have had longer to live. 

Nothing more out of touch with reality as I am as of now. When will I wake up?

let me obliterate

i am always trying to minimise myself
fold myself into smaller pieces
hoping one day i'll grow so small i diminish entirely
i silence myself
telling myself all i thought and felt
weren't right
fade into oblivion
let me obliterate

Grey area

Why is it that even on the best days, those hands feels like it's around the wrong waist? As much as I try to make myself feel more, it never goes beyond the fuzzy feelings on the inside. Where are the butterflies, the fluttering of my heart? You asked me to try and so I did, but am I compromising all that I once believed in for a boy I know God never intended for to stay? How I wish I could hand you my heart and say, "I trust you with this, please don't drop it." But what hurts is the fact that I know you could throw it down from the 12th floor and yet it won't hurt nearly as much as the last boy who let it slip out of his fingers for just a few mere moments.

please don't get attached

he thinks you'd do well unattached, you are independent, lovable. but when you aren't, the days you break down, the days you go on weeks without seeing anyone, the days you restart the tally marks, the days you deprive yourself of both sleep and nutrients, where were they then? will they stay then? on your most unlovable days. not just when things are easy. but when they get hard. when you get hard, difficult. will they stay despite it all?