as I lay there on the cold bathroom tiles, sweaty and breathless, the realisation finally came to me- there is so much violence against this body.
I think I had numb myself towards it when the abuse began, until I couldn't feel anything at all, until I couldn't conceive what was wrong.
I wonder why I let all these bad things happen. I wonder why I started tearing myself down after. I wonder why I stopped taking care of myself. I wonder why I believed I deserved so little. I wonder why I hurt myself this way. I wonder when I will finally stop.
I bled my insides raw. a loss bigger than myself- the fragility of life, the delicacy of living, the grace of breathing. every purge trying to remove the chemicals I've ingested from my blood. my body made to sustain life held on until it no longer could. finally reaching an end, none of its life left in me. nothing left in me. no life left in me.
the next morning I collect myself from the bathroom floor. left behind a crime scene with no corpse. just pain, blood, and violence spewed all over. I collect the grief. I carry on. or more so I wonder how might I ever be able to.
within my heart I bury the burdens. sunk my teeth into the tenderness of anger and it tasted bitter. spring blooms wither in a destroyed garden. I clench to my belly but my arms were full of empty. I gave birth to death and cradle the loss until it goes to sleep.
