Friday, July 29, 2016

More than this.

"Sometimes, you will have a couple of good days, and then it hits you. Everything. It hurts to talk, to love, to be. Existing is so difficult at times but no one wants to hear that. No one wants to know about the days you spend crying or curled up in a corner somewhere or wishing you could be anywhere but here. We all have our ways of coping with it. We all have our very own acts of survival. Our ways of staying alive when we are too much pain to feel anything at all."

Tuesday, July 26, 2016

Heartbreak

Why does it seem so alluring, so inviting?
Why does there always seem to be beauty in a broken heart?
When in reality all there is are shattered pieces.
Broken promises,
And made-up fantasies.

Sunday, July 24, 2016

Colours

I feel like it's been a while since I used this space to express my feelings. I do write here quite often but the posts are often vague.

Today was my last speech day. Can you believe it? I'll be turning 17 soon and I'll be graduating soon. It feels like it was just yesterday that I first set foot in this school. Full of innocence and naivety. Oh how I wish someone had taught me how to behave and act back then, to teach me the rules on how to survive in this school so I didn't have to learn it the hard way.

My sister would be joining Sempurna next year. All I wish for her is that she won't make the mistakes that I did and that she'll be happier than I ever was and ever could be.

Speech day was great this year. I did my best to participate as much as I could and I really gave my all during the performances. Ended with no regrets except for the fact that I didn't manage to take more photos with my peers.

I've been feeling rather okay lately, and by okay I mean good, which is just weird, like really unusual. But then I have this constant fear that it'll get bad again, and every time I fall I crash harder than before. The last time I didn't even wanted to continue, but I'm glad that I never actually did it, because I'm experiencing so much that I couldn't have if I wasn't here anymore.

The thing is, there isn't a warning sign before it hits you. You can feel like you're invincible one second and have self destructive thoughts the next. You can feel as happy as you've ever been but not want to get out of bed the next. It is treacherous, and it is a constant cycle. Happy, sad, happy, sad, happy, sad. Your feelings never really stay for more than a few couple of weeks.

xx,
Janelle.