I'm hopelessly ordinary and I hate it

It is with prevalence of normality that we stop pursuing greatness.

"I knew things would be different from now on."

We sat on the sidewalk; laughter filled the entire street. As the street lights shined on us from directly above, his face sparkled under the yellow light. He was beautiful, we were infinite.

I laughed. We were both tipsy from the red wine we've stolen from my parents' wine cabinet. I would be in so much trouble if they found out, but I was turning sixteen in a few days, I couldn't care less. We were young and reckless.

I finally collapse on the ground, tired from laughing so much. I look up as he leaned down. Our lips collided and a wave of serenity washed over me. It feels like this was where I was meant to be; it felt like home. When our lips parted ways, I could still feel the bitterness on my tongue, and they never met again.

He lighted up a cigarette and handed it to me. I told him I don't smoke but he asked me to try. And so, I did. I choked on the burning sensation in my throat. But my smoke-filled lungs didn't matter because I received validation from the one I loved. I tried it for him. I tried to be what he wanted.

He looked at me, with those soft and gentle eyes. We just gazed into each others' eyes for a moment before he spoke up, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it."

My heart broke.

shattered

four months ago,
my walls were higher
and the gates shut tight around my heart
i would've sworn i'd never let anyone in again

but when i met you and as we began to speak
you slowly unfolded me
you managed to knock down the walls
that were once stronger than concrete

you crept in and you stayed there
but when your presence was of no longer
you were still there in my heart
and i think pieces of you still remain

i'm not sure when you'd leave completely
you still linger in mind from time to time
i can't seem to get rid of the thought of you
maybe it was bc i was the one who begged you not to go

when you left me
you broke all the promises you made
but what you didn't realise was
you also broke me

A better time, that's all I'm asking for

One day, it will stop hurting you
It will stop troubling you
It will stop making you cry

But until then,
It will always burn
It will always pain you just thinking about it
Your heart will hurt and long for the person
But what's great is that one day it won't bother you anymore
One day you won't feel that throbbing heartache anymore

It will take time
And I'm still waiting unto that day.

For once I didn't dream about you last night
I thought that maybe I've learnt to live without you

But then why am I feeling sad again when I woke up thinking about how I won't be talking to you anymore?

"I don't want closure because I know it's goodbye"

I'll never forget the things you told me by the water fountain
When the air was breezy and stars filled the sky

As your hand brushed through my hair
You leaned in for a soft and gentle kiss
I could still feel it tingling even after your lips parted from mine
And they never met again

My heart raced, beating against my chest
It felt like it was about to explode

We talked for hours
You shared your worries and I told you mine
I don't know how but you managed to break down the walls surrounding my heart
I showed you the person underneath this mask
I told you about my past and showed you my scars
I told you my thoughts and disclosed my secrets
I trusted you with them, and you trusted me with yours

As we parted ways, I went in for a hug
It lasted a little more than usual
And before you left, you ruffled my hair a little
And gave me the sweetest smile I've ever seen
A smile of reassurance; of security

It's the little things you did that made the butterflies flutter in my stomach

But we haven't spoken to each other since that day
You never called, never told me why
You just left, without a reason
I should have known, nothing ever lasts

And now I have to learn to get used to the days without you again.
I have to get used to the empty nights and lonely heart
I have to get used to feeling as if there's nothing to look forward to
I have to get used to feeling broken inside again

You picked me up
Only to throw me back down

How can you say that it meant nothing to you when it meant everything to me?

More than this.

"Sometimes, you will have a couple of good days, and then it hits you. Everything. It hurts to talk, to love, to be. Existing is so difficult at times but no one wants to hear that. No one wants to know about the days you spend crying or curled up in a corner somewhere or wishing you could be anywhere but here. We all have our ways of coping with it. We all have our very own acts of survival. Our ways of staying alive when we are too much pain to feel anything at all."

Heartbreak

Why does it seem so alluring, so inviting?
Why does there always seem to be beauty in a broken heart?
When in reality all there is are shattered pieces.
Broken promises,
And made-up fantasies.

Colours

I feel like it's been a while since I used this space to express my feelings. I do write here quite often but the posts are often vague.

Today was my last speech day. Can you believe it? I'll be turning 17 soon and I'll be graduating soon. It feels like it was just yesterday that I first set foot in this school. Full of innocence and naivety. Oh how I wish someone had taught me how to behave and act back then, to teach me the rules on how to survive in this school so I didn't have to learn it the hard way.

My sister would be joining Sempurna next year. All I wish for her is that she won't make the mistakes that I did and that she'll be happier than I ever was and ever could be.

Speech day was great this year. I did my best to participate as much as I could and I really gave my all during the performances. Ended with no regrets except for the fact that I didn't manage to take more photos with my peers.

I've been feeling rather okay lately, and by okay I mean good, which is just weird, like really unusual. But then I have this constant fear that it'll get bad again, and every time I fall I crash harder than before. The last time I didn't even wanted to continue, but I'm glad that I never actually did it, because I'm experiencing so much that I couldn't have if I wasn't here anymore.

The thing is, there isn't a warning sign before it hits you. You can feel like you're invincible one second and have self destructive thoughts the next. You can feel as happy as you've ever been but not want to get out of bed the next. It is treacherous, and it is a constant cycle. Happy, sad, happy, sad, happy, sad. Your feelings never really stay for more than a few couple of weeks.

xx,
Janelle.

Misfit

Maybe the sadness lives inside of me
It stays with me wherever go

It isn't because of my surroundings
It isn't because of where I am
It's because of me.

I don't get it. I really don't.

elude

My constant fear in life is that I'll end unhappy.
And I'm not talking about right now, because that is what I am.
I'm talking about the future I had so carefully thought out for myself.
What if it doesn't turn out the way I imagine it?

You keep looking forward to the future
Hoping for better days to come along
But what if it never does?
What if this is life and it'll always be like this?

What if the problem isn't with your situation or condition?
What if the problem lays within yourself,
And nothing can fix it unless you fix yourself.
You'll be forced to face the feelings you've been dreading to confront.

...

Another fear of mine is that I'll end up living a life filled with uncontentment.
Well yes, I have it far better than a lot others but
I'm just not satisfied. There's something missing.
What if what's missing will never be found?

Out of mind

Recently I've been indulging myself in nostalgic memories. I honestly cannot believe how much I've changed over the years. And even when I'm turning 17 this year, it feels so surreal because it feels like I've just turned 14 yesterday. I don't know where all the time in between has gone.

I go through most days in a daze. And soon enough I'll be leaving for college, already regretting everything that I've done and haven't done this year.

Right now I'm not on good terms with majority of the people in my school, mainly because of rumours that has been circling around. "I hate how I am nothing but how they opt to see me. Sometimes, I feel like people forget that I'm human too and that they oversimplify me into a mere label of a stereotype of their own making."

I really wish that I had started vlogging/blogging earlier. I have always blogged since I was 11 but I don't do it very often. I wish I had documented more of my thoughts as I was growing up. Because that pure, innocent state of mind is far too precious, and now that it's gone it can never gotten back. Sometimes when I want to slip back into my old way of thinking, I don't even know how it was anymore.

I am not happy at all right now. I spend too much of my time wishing I was 13 again or if not I spend it thinking of the future and how things could turn out and wishing I was already there. I can never just live in the present.

So what can I do now? It awfully scares me because I absolutely hate everything about myself. I can't change my state of being and I can't change what's making me unhappy. And I don't want to be living like this for the rest of my life.

I don't know what to do right now.

Janelle, you're getting old and you're aging every single day and yet you are just here wasting your time away. Writing out thoughts that will probably never be heard when you could be out there, making memories and just enjoying your teenage years.

They say that time heals wounds, but I feel that my heart just get more bruised as time goes by. It's like you're trying to patch up a heart overflowing of blood due to a heartbreak. It takes so many bandages and stitches just to hold the shattered pieces in place. And one day when you tear out the plasters, you realise that the blood has dried up and your heart is stone cold. Things never really got better. It just seemed like it did for that little while because things were out of the way, but in the end your heart is still in pieces, and you never really stopped bleeding.

I am very well aware that everything I've written so far is very detached and all over the places but that is just how my thoughts are. Maybe one day I'll come back and fix the articulation of this.

thanks for reading,
janelle

Letter to myself

Dear Janelle,

Whatever you are feeling right now, I hope you remember it. I hope you remember how it feels like to hate every inch of yourself. I hope you remember how it feels like when every word that you speak and comes through your lips feels wrong. I hope you remember how it feels like to feel this sense of unbelonging. I hope you grasp onto this feeling, because one day when things get better, on the top of your days, on the highest points of your life, you'll remember this fucked up feeling and how easy it is to fall back down, how fragile your life really is, and how addictive this cycle of self destruction can be. I hope you remember how it feels like when everything you do is wrong, to a point where you don't even trust yourself anymore; the words you say, the things you do, the choices you make. I hope the day you manage to pull yourself back together again, you'll realise how much time you've wasted, searching; searching for answers, searching for yourself. Perhaps one day you'll find your faith again. And right now it may feel like everyone is getting their life together whereas yours is just coming undone. But I hope you remember this feeling and never let it go, because there are better days to come. There is more to life than this. You have to go out and live. You aren't really living yet, Janelle, and yet you are already fading away.

xx,

Janelle