Don't keep it to yourself

what do you do?

when you know that after bottling up all this emotions inside of you

you're sure to burst one day.

and you do.

but who's to blame?

you never warned yourself.

Inadequate

That's how I felt.

And no word is adequate for me to describe it.

It's a constant cycle

I was contemplating starting another blog as I already have so many that I ended up deleting, but we'll give it a go again. I hope I won't regret this one.

Today I received a question on ask.fm asking: What do you look forward to most this year?
What I look forward to most is for more and better memories to be made. Looking back, when was the last time I was happy in this foreign place that I've been studying in for the past 4 years? I am nearly 16. And honestly I don't think I was ever truly satisfied with where I am. 4 years ago, people would have told me that this is a new environment and I need time to get used to it. But it's been 4 years. 4 whole years. I still don't feel belonged.

The last time I felt welcomed to a place was in primary school. I can already imagine those of you reading this going, "oh here she goes again". But i won't deny it. I am a very nostalgic person. Which is something I love yet hate about me at the same time. Nostalgia just makes me think that everything is better than it is now, even when it wasn't.

Perhaps one of the reasons I want to and have always thought of changing school so much is because I want a new beginning. I was to start over. I want to start afresh. I want to start making memories again, and not look back and hate myself for not making things better than it could have been. I want to look back and not regret the chances I didn't take, and the opportunities that I had missed.

I really wish one day I would be able to look back at this post and just laugh at myself. Janelle, oh Janelle, why did you ever worry about such insignificant matters? Everything ended up just fine. And also cringe at my small range of vocabulary. I should really start reading more.

But as of now I'll just put my trust in God and go where He takes me. For I believe He has the best plans for me. The journey is tough. But I mean, just look at where I am now. I'm struggling a lot but at the same time, I know that I am here because God has a plan for me here. This message came into my mind when I was 14, but I did not truly understand it back then for I had not seen His great works in me. But today, I think I do.