Fleet

It's nearly 3am and I'm still wide awake. Lately I've been falling back into old habits and it has left me feeling ashamed and disgusted. I don't know and I don't understand why I've returned to this state of mind. My thoughts are treacherous.

.

"The saddest form of sadness is not

Gloomy colours, or the peaks of

The night at 4am. It is not rolled down 

Sleeves or a constant frown of

Dismay. The saddest kind of sadness

Does not look like sadness

At all;

Because the saddest form of sadness

Is a smile, plastered on despite the

Tears beneath. It is the afternoon-- with

Its colours full of vibrance, yet fading

Away if you look closely enough.

The saddest kind of sadness

Is not really sad at all; for

It is beautiful in the human

ability to mask a hundread tears

Behind a single smile."

(Julie Martinez)

Sometimes the silence gets to me

I like it when it's cold and raining and I'm snuggled up in bed with a warm cup of tea and a good book. I feel blissful and as if I could escape the world for a little while.

But recently I haven't been able to do that and it's really sad. And if I ever get to the chance to, a sense of nostalgia washes over me and I feel like 8th grade all over again. I used to hate 8th grade haha. I hated myself so much back then and I wanted so much to change myself. But right now I would rather be who I was. It's sad how we never appreciate things until they're gone.

I feel like everything is so sad. Not being able to do the things that you love is sad. Nothing being able to be with the people you love is sad. There's no other word to describe all these except for ... sad.

For a long time I've been feeling sad. And for a long time I didn't understand why all these things were hurting me, and why I wanted to hurt myself. But I knew that there was more than this. That there was more to this than just a constant cycle of sadness and doubt and wondering and wandering. But I couldn't comprehend it.

And until now I'm still trying to grasp unto the concept of life. And at the same time I'm admiring the beauty of the mystery of it. How we never know what's to come next and what's to happen next. Every second is an unexpected next in your life.

But when the rain stops, and your tea finishes, and the chapter ends; back to reality.

The thought of it

Sometimes I just feel inadequate.
There are so many other people in the world who are better than me, in everything.
And again and again I had been proven of that.
Being chose over for debates, being left out during activities.

Sometimes I just want a chance to prove myself wrong.
That I am more than I am.
That I am capable of so much more.

And yet I don't want to get disappointed in myself for all that I cannot do.

It is a fact that everyone else is better than me.
And God loves me regardless.

But sometimes it just hurts,
You know?

I have so much to offer.
Yet I am not given the chance to.

Note to self

Janelle, don't bottle all of this up. Let it out, let it all out. Don't numb yourself, not again.

Glass

I feel plastered all over with band-aids and tape, trying to hold myself. But that won't fix the shattered pieces. One day, things would just break again and the damage would just be worse than before. How do I keep myself from the hurt?

Again

I feel like this again. Back to the sleepless nights and self loathing. Why am I where I was again? Hadn't I vowed to never come back to this state of mind again? But it's different, this time, I won't be okay again. It takes more than just fixing.

Impermanence

I haven't wrote in a while and writing again feels familiar, yet so different.

I do love writing very much. But when something bad thing happens or when I feel undeserving to do what I love, I just stop writing, almost completely, maybe as a form of condemnation for myself. I have no idea either.

But for not writing for 2 months, I feel as if I've forgotten words. I feel as if I lost touched with how sentences flow and how paragraphs form.

And as much I want to come back to my blog and just go on and write and write forever, I am way too busy. With most of my time wasted on social media, I barely have time left for chores and homework. I know I should have deleted those distracting apps, but at the same time I don't want to lose touch with the world outside. I don't know why it's necessary to learn about other people's life 24/7, but something about it still makes me do it, despite the fact that I could be living my own.

I just feel like there are so many things to do, so many things I want to say, but so little time left. I really don't want these things to be left undone, words to be left unsaid. I need to grab ahold the time that is left and make full use out of it but I know that I am too caught up in the passing of the world. I constantly remind myself, "You were not put on earth to be remembered, you were put here to prepare for eternity." But even as I struggle, I hope to remain in faith. There are so many things I want to do before I leave, but I lack courage.

And unto the day I learn how to be bold and to stand firm in who I am, I will try and try to improve myself.

Even now, I feel as if this blog post is too vague but here I am, still rambling on about whatever. But so many things had happened in the past month. I want to share them but I decided to keep them all to myself because of all the bad things that happened during then, and I want to forget the whole thing altogether. Once again, I need to be constantly reminded of how short life here on earth is, and how temporary everything really is.

Don't keep it to yourself

what do you do?

when you know that after bottling up all this emotions inside of you

you're sure to burst one day.

and you do.

but who's to blame?

you never warned yourself.

Inadequate

That's how I felt.

And no word is adequate for me to describe it.

It's a constant cycle

I was contemplating starting another blog as I already have so many that I ended up deleting, but we'll give it a go again. I hope I won't regret this one.

Today I received a question on ask.fm asking: What do you look forward to most this year?
What I look forward to most is for more and better memories to be made. Looking back, when was the last time I was happy in this foreign place that I've been studying in for the past 4 years? I am nearly 16. And honestly I don't think I was ever truly satisfied with where I am. 4 years ago, people would have told me that this is a new environment and I need time to get used to it. But it's been 4 years. 4 whole years. I still don't feel belonged.

The last time I felt welcomed to a place was in primary school. I can already imagine those of you reading this going, "oh here she goes again". But i won't deny it. I am a very nostalgic person. Which is something I love yet hate about me at the same time. Nostalgia just makes me think that everything is better than it is now, even when it wasn't.

Perhaps one of the reasons I want to and have always thought of changing school so much is because I want a new beginning. I was to start over. I want to start afresh. I want to start making memories again, and not look back and hate myself for not making things better than it could have been. I want to look back and not regret the chances I didn't take, and the opportunities that I had missed.

I really wish one day I would be able to look back at this post and just laugh at myself. Janelle, oh Janelle, why did you ever worry about such insignificant matters? Everything ended up just fine. And also cringe at my small range of vocabulary. I should really start reading more.

But as of now I'll just put my trust in God and go where He takes me. For I believe He has the best plans for me. The journey is tough. But I mean, just look at where I am now. I'm struggling a lot but at the same time, I know that I am here because God has a plan for me here. This message came into my mind when I was 14, but I did not truly understand it back then for I had not seen His great works in me. But today, I think I do.