wherever it ends

The dimness of winter will soften the memories, I tell myself.

That space held between us in getting to know each other. Easiness of breath as we pushed through crowds walking in the cold air. You remain unmoved by my shakiness and dissonance. Playful fun and shared giggles. An exhale of relief knowing I do not carry this alone, but you share the weight. Conversations across dinner tables in intentional pursuit and knowing. Brushing arms in an unfamiliar bar. For a moment I thought I could actually let everything that had made me fall away, and you could still hold what’s in front of you that's made of those pieces. 

Wherever it ends, I will remember the moments it almost seemed I could begin again.

almost (5/10/2025)

There is a sense of relief in meeting people it once seemed you didn't have the access to, just as the sense of intangible sadness seeing the people you once had access to be lost to our own choices. Maybe there's an alternate reality out there where I had been unharmed by you, and instead I had made a life with the people that could have been. But today, all I have are these unreachable realities, thoughts and feelings I can't exactly explain to another. All I am is letting go of the possibilities, still trying to craft a life I can live in, safeguarding a past I can no longer change.  

Maybe this is the closest I will ever get to it.